Mornings are often the hardest. When the idea of just getting my socks on seems overwhelming, the notion that I could turn my life around seems laughable. I feel ashamed at having such grandiose aspirations. My dreams of yesterday and my little victories become meaningless.
But as I write this, I see how callous the part of my mind that seeks to condemn me is. More than callous.
Disgusted.
Nauseated.
It’s a funny reaction, isn’t it? Man seeks to improve his life, heal his wounds, provide a good standard of living for his family. Mind is disgusted. Where and how did my mind learn to be disgusted by hope & aspiration?
When I used to teach Buddhist meditation, there was one quote, attributed to the Buddha, that used to get my students every time.
It made me swoon, too, when I heard it first.
You can travel the world over and you will never find another person more deserving of your love than you, yourself are.
The Buddha
For many years, this sentiment was a guiding force in my life; meet your sorrows, your weakness, your harshness, your fear, with kindness. Be gentle with yourself and accepting of those things you wish were otherwise.
Hell, I even created an Acceptance Meditation that I taught to my students (and myself, naturally).
And, for years it worked. Some sorrows were healed, the more stubborn ones were contained, at least. But the inner ecology of my mind and heart was a tender place, if not always contented.
I thought it would work forever and that knowledge was comforting.
“Be a lamp unto yourself.” The Buddha’s dying words. Yes! I could be that lamp. Self-sufficient. Contained. An island of tranquility.
But after my felaket, the Buddha and I went our separate ways.
We’ve not been seen together since.
As I begin my day, as socks get successfully put on, coffee imbibed, things don’t seem so impossible.
But I’m still running, glancing behind myself at what’s in pursuit.
Trying to outrun it.
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