Levelling with the world

Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.

George Addair

Which, frankly, is a bit of a shame.

Panic attacks are fear made physical. Sponsored by fear, panic attacks then gate-keep my desire to live a larger, more fulsome life. Most of the steps I believe I need to take to establish myself as a writer or at the very least, earn more money, require that I make myself more visible which, for me, is synonymous with being exposed and vulnerable. Vulnerable to fear.

It helps certainly that I’m no longer hiding these struggles because part of the fear is the fear of being found out. To be seen, not as the strong together person you present to the world but as the jibbering mess you often feel yourself to be on the inside. I realise that it wasn’t the panic and anxiety that finally did me in when I got signed off work, it was the bone-deep weariness of keeping up a front.

How would it feel if I turned up to a meeting or an interview or a presentation or a reading and just levelled with the world. This is what I’m feeling like now. I’m frightened of this but, hey, here I am. Then my weakness becomes not something to hide and feel ashamed of, but an entry point into connection with others. Rather than beginning where we habitually do – by trying to convince others of how great we are – beginning instead four square and knee deep in the gloop and caca of your deepest wound.

It would feel quite good, I think. A relief.

A levelling with the world.

And with myself.

It’s funny because when I think about doing this, about levelling with the world, I feel larger. The integration of the parts of my of which I’m ashamed, with my public face seem to expand me and I feel that, for once, there’s solid ground beneath my feet. There’s nothing for me to run from anymore.

And for somebody who’s been running all his life, that’s a mighty relief).