“Phased return to work”

4 words that nobody wants to see in the subject line of their work email. Nevertheless, bullets need to be bitten and I’ve taken the plunge by sending out a full disclosure-ish email to my work colleagues ahead of my return.

This is what it said…

Dear []

I wanted to tell you that I’m back at work and to let you know where I’ve been these last few months.

In March, my Doctor signed me off work with anxiety disorder. I’ve had anxiety/panic attacks and depression since my teens but through a combination of yoga, meditation and strong lager :-0, I’ve been managing them quite effectively. The last few years, they’ve got quite bad and the effort required to hold it together has really been eating me up. I’ve also had a lot of shame around feeling this way, and a fear of being ‘found out,’ which has meant I’ve not really told anybody the full extent of it, not even my wife or close family.   

I started opening up more to my wife (and myself) earlier this year and I think we both realised that this was actually getting to be quite a big deal for me which is when I decided to take a trip to the Doctor.  

Getting signed off is a really hard thing to do when you’ve spent your life ‘pushing on’ and ‘pushing through.’ You feel like you’re giving up and that can be quite frightening. There’s also the guilt you feel when you’re signed off with something that can’t really be seen from the outside. Anyway,  a few days after I was signed off, the schools closed so I’ve had 3 young children sharing my sick leave –  not quite the regroup and reassess experience I was hoping for, but on the plus side, my trampolining skills are now OFF THE SCALE!!!

One of the things that has made these challenges easier to bear, (at work at least) has been the friendships I’ve developed with each of you. You’ve each been nothing but a source of warmth, humour, support and care/cake and I feel very grateful to work alongside such stellar human beans. Thank you for helping without realising it and for all the rejigging and liaising and supply-teachering you’ve had to do to cover my tush whilst I’ve been off.

So, now you know I haven’t been plotting an uprising to bring down Colston’s statue (not sad to see him gone, though) or holed up in Barnard Castle testing my eyes.

I hope you and your families have all managed to stay sane and safe during Covid and that the switch to distance learning hasn’t popped you over the edge.

Thank you, again,

There. Did it. All sent.

Do I feel any better for being open?

A little bit. I think.